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26 to 12 – another weight loss blog

One woman's journey to lose half her body weight

Month

September 2013

An Open Letter (AKA The Things I Wish I’d Been Brave Enough To Say)

To the charming ladies (using the term quite loosely) who enhanced my gym experience yesterday,

I can’t tell you how much I appreciated your frank and uninhibited discussion of my physical appearance while I was using the gym last night. Blonde Lady, when your friend nudged you and you both turned around to stare and laugh, I had hoped that that would be the end of it, but seemingly my use of the cross trainer held great attraction for you, since you kept turning to watch me. Sorry that you almost fell over though, that must have been embarrassing for you, particularly in front of the attractive man you were so hoping to impress with your witticisms. Incidentally, thank you to the gentleman in blue who chose not to partake in the discussion these females were having.

So, back to you Blonde Lady and Dark-haired Lady (BL and DL). Firstly, kudos on your intelligent observations: yes, I am overweight, thanks for noticing. DL, it has been many years since I’ve seen someone puff out their cheeks and hold their arms from their sides to indicate an overweight person, I think I was actually in a playground the last time I witnessed it. I do so enjoy mature humour.

Perhaps you are under the impression that my weight means that I was unable to see or hear you. Perhaps you thought that overweight people don’t have feelings, or even that their feelings don’t matter. I am here to tell you that you are wrong. I could hear you and see you (by the way, there is a blacklight in there; DL you may want to avoid white underwear next time). I do have feelings and they could have been very hurt by what you were saying and doing. In fact, had this happened when my depression has been at its worst, your actions could have had terrible consequences. You are obviously too ignorant to consider that your behaviour can and does affect others; at your age (which I estimate as about 24) you are certainly old enough to know better. To address just a couple of points. I’m sure that my jiggling about on the cross trainer isn’t pretty, so here’s an idea – stop watching and pay attention to your own workout, that way you might avoid stumbling on the treadmill in future. You discussed why someone “that fat” is at a gym. Well, this may come as a surprise to you, but I go to the gym to help me lose weight and get fit. That may sound radical to a pair who go there to chat, look at guys and bully other patrons, but that is actually what gyms are for. Exercise. Look it up.

Just because I am overweight does not mean that I have any less right to be there than you. I could also point out that I was there for longer than both of you put together, I worked harder and faster. I am no Olympian but I’m by no means unfit anymore. I am working hard to change my weight, it will take a lot more hard work to change your terrible attitudes.

I am the fat girl you’re mocking. I’m working to change myself. You should try it sometime.

From

An actual human being, just like you.

Struggling Out Of Depression

It has been a little while since I wrote. In fact it has been a little while since I’ve done much of anything. I think I have written before that I am battling depression. I am mostly on top of it, but sometimes it defeats me. That’s where I’ve been for the last few weeks, trying to climb out of a big black hole. In fact, bad spells of depression remind me somewhat of the quagmire scene in this episode of Through The Dragon’s Eye (we used to watch it at school, this episode gave me nightmares). Trying to beat depression is a struggle, it affects everything in my life, including my eating habits. I have previously suffered from bulimia, and whilst I have that under control food is still the first thing I turn to when I’m down.

A few weeks ago I had a cold, nothing major but I felt rotten. I couldn’t go to the gym because I couldn’t breathe properly, and I didn’t fancy anything to eat apart from toast. So I made some unhealthy choices. Then as I started to feel better I struggled to get back on track. I started to feel bad about myself, and this was compounded by some fairly serious money worries. So things started to spiral out of control. Last week I was staying at my parents’ home while they were away, and I indulged my binging side with pizza, donuts, chocolate, crisps and cheese. Every day I told myself the next day would be better but I didn’t make that the reality. When my parents came back, however, I talked to them about my problems and got their advice and support, which has meant the world to me, I don’t know if they have fully comprehended how much they have helped me.

So this week, I am back to my usual routine (I don’t know about anyone else but I find routine really helpful), and I’m slowly but surely getting rid of the black cloud that’s been hanging over me. The effect of this is that I’m eating better (not up to the healthy standards I was setting before, but definitely healthier) and I’ve got back to exercising. I went to the gym after work last night for the first time in two weeks. I wasn’t sure about going, I toyed with skipping, I procrastinated a bit, but I went. It was hard work, I have lost a little of my fitness, but not as much as I thought, but I did it. And I think that has helped to set me back on track.

I’ll probably never be “cured”, I don’t think depression works that way, but hopefully these spells will become fewer and fewer. In the meantime, I’m just going to keep going and hoping for the best. I haven’t posted my weigh-in results recently, my last weight was 20st 7.5lb, but I’m sure I weigh more now. Next weigh-in will be on Saturday, so I will keep you posted.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

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