It has been a little while since I wrote. In fact it has been a little while since I’ve done much of anything. I think I have written before that I am battling depression. I am mostly on top of it, but sometimes it defeats me. That’s where I’ve been for the last few weeks, trying to climb out of a big black hole. In fact, bad spells of depression remind me somewhat of the quagmire scene in this episode of Through The Dragon’s Eye (we used to watch it at school, this episode gave me nightmares). Trying to beat depression is a struggle, it affects everything in my life, including my eating habits. I have previously suffered from bulimia, and whilst I have that under control food is still the first thing I turn to when I’m down.
A few weeks ago I had a cold, nothing major but I felt rotten. I couldn’t go to the gym because I couldn’t breathe properly, and I didn’t fancy anything to eat apart from toast. So I made some unhealthy choices. Then as I started to feel better I struggled to get back on track. I started to feel bad about myself, and this was compounded by some fairly serious money worries. So things started to spiral out of control. Last week I was staying at my parents’ home while they were away, and I indulged my binging side with pizza, donuts, chocolate, crisps and cheese. Every day I told myself the next day would be better but I didn’t make that the reality. When my parents came back, however, I talked to them about my problems and got their advice and support, which has meant the world to me, I don’t know if they have fully comprehended how much they have helped me.
So this week, I am back to my usual routine (I don’t know about anyone else but I find routine really helpful), and I’m slowly but surely getting rid of the black cloud that’s been hanging over me. The effect of this is that I’m eating better (not up to the healthy standards I was setting before, but definitely healthier) and I’ve got back to exercising. I went to the gym after work last night for the first time in two weeks. I wasn’t sure about going, I toyed with skipping, I procrastinated a bit, but I went. It was hard work, I have lost a little of my fitness, but not as much as I thought, but I did it. And I think that has helped to set me back on track.
I’ll probably never be “cured”, I don’t think depression works that way, but hopefully these spells will become fewer and fewer. In the meantime, I’m just going to keep going and hoping for the best. I haven’t posted my weigh-in results recently, my last weight was 20st 7.5lb, but I’m sure I weigh more now. Next weigh-in will be on Saturday, so I will keep you posted.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.