The last few weeks have been a struggle.  I have been exercising everyday, but not eating very healthily, and I found last week that I had put weight on.  Well.  I’d not had a good week anyway, I went for a referral appointment for CBT to help me to deal with my issues around food, and met with the absolute worst mental health professional I’ve ever dealt with.  She basically told me that I needed to be more depressed before she could refer me.  I hadn’t realised quite how much I was putting my hopes on this treatment until after that appointment, and it really knocked me to find that I might not be able to get the help that I need.  So that coupled with a weight gain really put a strain on last weekend, which left me in floods of tears.  I’m not telling you this for sympathy, but to try and explain where I’m at right now.

This week has been all about regrouping and changing my priorities.  I absolutely can’t base my happiness on the numbers on the scale.  I do want to lose weight and change my body, but my physical and mental health are the most important things to work on.  I’ve had some pretty deep conversations with the people I’m closest to (hi Mum!) and done a lot of thinking, planning and writing to try and sort my head out a bit.

I have been eating more healthily since this, without obsessing over it, I haven’t counted anything and I’ve been aiming to make the healthiest choice most of the time – all of the time just isn’t realistic!  I’ve been using the power of no, particularly at work where there are always cakes and biscuits.  (And trying not to feel insulted by my colleague saying “Did you just say no to cake?  Really?  You?!” in a horribly shocked voice) but I will admit to having a slice of cheesecake when I went for lunch with a friend on Saturday – and it was well worth it!

As I said in the title, goals are the key – but I’m not talking about weight goals.  I have read a lot recently about SMART goals – they were in the leaflet that the mental health woman told me to work through before my referral went any further, and I have picked up more in my reading.  Goals, according to the professionals, should be specific.  I agree with this, but my specifics are things that I want to be able to do, not a size or a weight.  I think that this will be much more healthy for my mindset and it is good for my wider lifestyle (I have plans to update my bucket list this afternoon…)  And with that in mind, I have gone completely crazy and signed up for my very first 5k!!

In July, a friend from work, her daughter, another person who I haven’t yet met and I will be doing the Cancer Research UK Pretty Muddy 5k in Birmingham.  It is more like an obstacle course than a run, and we have the option to walk most of it and skip out obstacles as needed (take a look at what I can expect here) but I would really like to run at least some of it and have a go at everything.  So that is my first goal.  I was really buzzing when we signed up, but I have to admit that two days later I am now terrified!  I am going to be doing more cardio and less weights to try and get ready for this, and hoping I won’t make an absolute fool of myself!

I will also be raising money for Cancer Research UK; I’m very very lucky that cancer has not had a major impact on my life – I have known people who have had this horrible illness but no one that I have been very close to, so I will not be doing it to commemorate anyone in particular, but I feel that it is a worthy cause.  If anyone has managed to make it this far through my post, you can sponsor me through Just Giving.  UK tax payers, don’t forget to tick the Gift Aid box!

Next up I will be talking about my favourite healthy recipes, because I have been planning to do a post on this for ages!

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